I HATE my computer

As I type, my computer is still struggling to recover from a crash last yesterday afternoon. I don't know what happened, but the whole thing just refused to start. Windows could not start because some file was apparently missing or corrupted. So I had to initiate the recovery system, and since last night I've been trying to install back all my programs. Thankfully my documents and files are still intact.

For some reason everything on my computer now seems to lag. It's taking me an eternity to go onto any webpage. It was hell trying to reestablish the damned firewall. The minute I went online I was hit by everything in the spyware arsenal. Damn You Spyware! I tell you, I don't what kind of sick, demented, sadistic creatures invented spyware. I can't begin to describe how infuriating it is to have pop ups all over the place. I had to scan the whole com and reboot and clear everything out. All this just to download the free firewall... And the com is STILL lagging...

I think this incident and the past week have brought to light a fact about myself that I have known all along, but has resurfaced like never before these few days. I am a control freak. I can't take it when things don't go the way I want them to or plan them to. I get soo mad when the com breaks down. I stay awake worrying about all the things I haven't done and have to do. The silly article for the publication, plan the debate dinner, study for the promos... These three are the biggest that keep bugging me. The debate dinner is all but planned complete, and I hope to God that Owen is sending out those invitations.

The promos. Argh, the promos! I get so worried every time I look at my notes. It's like there's so much to do and I've only covered so little. And here's the ironic thing. When I try to sit down and study, I get even more worried and anxious because I know there's so much more to cover. Oh, Lord, help me! And then I turn to the Bible, which calms me temporarily, but when I'm done reading I look back at the work and worry again. I just can't let go. I NEED to let go. I MUST TRUST in God. And yet it's so hard. It's human nature, isn't it, to worry about every little thing? It's part of that desire to control every aspect of your own life. But that's not how it was meant to be. And that's why we fell, because of this, Original Sin, Pride, the will to be master over our lives.

I think this is how people start out on the path to a nervous breakdown. I pray it will never come to that. I pray.